Really Very Strange
by shaping-up-to-be-pretty-ood
Summary: Humans aren't supposed to be able to fly the TARDIS, and he only lets Clara do that while it's on basic mode. River thinks that's absolutely hilarious.


**A/N: I wrote this **_**before**_** The Name Of The Doctor. So now it's pretty much AU where Clara meets River before the conference call. *sigh* Moffat, why must you ruin my stories with your fantastically written canon episodes?**

"So," the Doctor said loftily, catching his wife's hand as she flew towards the open TARDIS doors and pulling her solidly to her feet before him, "what have you utterly destroyed this time, my dear?"

"Destroyed?" she cried indignantly, smoothing the camoflauge military uniform that looked vaguely familiar to him. "Why, I haven't destroyed anything! And last time this happened _you_ were a lot less coordinated. We fell on the floor."

"_You_ were the one who almost kneed me in the-" He suddenly cut himself off, whirling to look at a very confused Clara standing next to the console. River leaned around him to look as well, smiling when she understood the situation and dragging her husband into a kiss.

"Oi," he whispered when she released him. "Not in front of Clara."

"When are we, where are my parents?" She studied his face closely as his expression visibly and obviously fell into one of despair.

"You tell me first," he whispered.

"Crash of the Byzantium. My mother was here, it was apparently the first time she'd ever met me as me. Nearly died as well. You?"

"Ah... Manhattan. You haven't... You haven't been there just yet. Spoilers."

"Excuse me!" Clara yelled from the console. "Does someone want to explain exactly what is going on? Because I am really quite confused!"

River marched over to the younger woman and held out her hand. "Doctor River Song, archaeologist and the Doctor's wife."

"Wife?" Clara's eyebrows rose quizzically, shaking River's hand numbly.

With a mischevious smile, River nodded. "Yes, he travelled with my parents for a very long time, and along the way I happened. When I grew up, in order to save the whole of reality, we got married. It's a very long story that doesn't make much sense if I'm only telling it in two sentences." The fact that the bewilderment didn't disappear from Clara's face made her smile grow to a full-on grin, which she flashed at the Doctor when he sidled up next to her.

"Where do you want to go, Mrs. Song?" he asked quietly, brushing her wild curls off of her shoulder and leaning closer to her ear.

"I was thinking..." She paused for dramatic effect, turning her head so her lips were very nearly touching his cheek. "You could let me fly her."

He took a step back, rolling his eyes dramatically. His wife and her insistence on flying his ship. Waving his hands at the console, he muttered, "I suppose you're familiar with the new controls?"

"I could fly her no matter _what_ console she's got in place at that particular moment. Honestly, who do you think I am?"

"_She_ can fly the TARDIS?! How can she fly the TARDIS?" Clara cried, waving an arm angrily at River.

"I'm the child _of_ the TARDIS. She made me part Time Lord through exposure to the Time Vortex during conception."

"I can fly the TARDIS."

River laughed contemptuously. "What, does he put it on basic mode?"

"Yes."

That brought even more laughter from the curly haired woman's lips.

The Doctor shot his wife a sidelong glance. "Don't laugh at her, she's human, she's not meant to fly a TARDIS."

"I'm human."

He rounded, getting close to her face again. "Not really! You just said, child of the TARDIS. So go on, fly her wherever you need to go."

"Actually..." She began switching levers and smacking buttons in a rush, much quicker and more efficiently than he could ever manage. "I'm going to go visit my parents... Who think I've just murdered you on a lakeside."

"I thought you said you were his wife!" The look on Clara's face just kept on getting increasingly incredulous.

"I am," River stated with an eyeroll, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Why do you think he's not dead? I really didn't want to kill him."

"River, you can't just park the TARDIS in your parents' backyard and expect them not to question what it is you're doing there in my TARDIS when I'm supposedly dead."

"I just need to get to that year. The Vortex Manipulator that Dorium sold to me went funny when I transported Amy from the forest in the Byzantium. Something interfered with it, and now it will only work in space. Not time."

"Feedback from the crack caused by the TARDIS exploding the day before their wedding, ruined the temporal base code algorithm. Same thing happened to Jack's a while back... I can reset it if you like. Basic fourth digit oscillation pattern, the TARDIS can work it out in less than a nanosecond."

"Well we've already landed."

Clara walked over to stand in front of them, looking incredibly cross with her arms folded tightly across her chest. "We have not."

"He leaves the brakes on, that's what that horrid noise is!" River grabbed the Doctor by the back of the head and kissed him briefly, making his arms flail for the few seconds. "Thank you, sweetie," she breathed upon releasing him, and sauntered towards the front doors. "I'll be back... At some point." She slid out the doors, blowing him one last kiss.

After a long and pregnant pause, Clara finally leaned back against the console, arms still crossed. "I don't like her."

"And for some really very strange reason, I do a lot more than _like."_ The Doctor sighed heavily, a happy little smile spreading across his own face.


End file.
